ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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