Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
