I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
