Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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