Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
