I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
