Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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