I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
