God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
