why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
