I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
