"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
