so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You are a genius and a whore.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
