I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
