Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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