My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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