: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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