im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
