This is not my ceiling
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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