At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
