yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Will exercising make me less horny?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
