I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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