Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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