theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
