I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
