I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
