I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
