i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
