you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
