I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
