I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
