Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
