what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
