I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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