does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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