onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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