I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
