Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
