Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
