i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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