my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
