did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
