My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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