I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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