Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
