My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My vagina is very pro this idea
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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