i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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