I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
