; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
