I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
